Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
