I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I love you.
Bad choice
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
