I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
