Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
