I just saw a hot homeless man
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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