My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
