she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
