swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
