Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
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I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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