I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
