She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
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Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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