Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
