I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
