I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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