My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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