So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
