how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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