On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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