The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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