I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
