Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
