Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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