i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
