he shaved USA in his pubs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
