i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
