The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
