I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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