She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
