walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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