I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
