I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
