Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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