I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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