Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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