there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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