I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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