turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Vodka?
Forever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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