Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
