I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
