I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
