My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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