There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
