I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My vagina just recognized that song.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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