we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
