the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
