you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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