Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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