wanna go halves on a baby?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
