I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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