I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
