I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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