I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
