he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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