You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
