The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
