I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.