there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
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So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.