I think my fart just growled at me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.